10 Questions to Ask a Prospective Partner
If you want a mature and fulfilling relationship, you will need to make sure the people you date are quality matches. This is essential to long term success.
When you’re chatting on a dating app or going on a first date, you should be asking questions that will give you insight into the other person’s life and help you determine whether they will be a good fit for you.
Some of the most important pillars for success in a relationship are similar lifestyle habits, values, and relationship goals. Without alignment on these things, you are headed for a rocky road of frustrations.
With that in mind, here are 10 questions I suggest asking a prospective partner:
- If you feel disconnected from your partner, what would you do to restore the connection?
This question will help you see what someon’s repair skills are like when things feel off. Do they sit back and wait for their partner to do something about it or do they take action and find a way to bring the closeness back? The best partnership is one where both partners are in tune with each other, able to recognize when something doesn't feel right, and committed to starting a conversation about how to bring the connection back.
- Are you able to openly communicate your needs to your partner?
Being honest and articulating what you want, need, and feel is very important. Communication is one of the pillars that creates the foundation for a healthy and mature relationship, yet many couples are unable to talk about their needs. Being unable to speak their truth, and bottling up how they feel instead will breed resentment and unhappiness, and eventually that person will pull away altogether.
- What are some things that you’ve held onto and aren’t able to let go of?
What a person holds on to will give you insight into the things that matter to them and uncover if they hold grudges or if they are able to let go and move forward. If you would rather be with someone who is able to show empathy and move past conflicts than someone who holds tightly to their anger and frustration, make sure to ask this question!
- If you have a disagreement with someone, what do you do to win?
Trick question! There is no winning and losing when it comes to relationships! If one person is constantly winning, then the other is losing. And the person who always feels like they are losing will eventually fall out of love and pull away from the relationship.
It’s not about winning or being right — it's about listening with compassion and resolving conflict together with understanding and compromise.
- What is your definition of emotional intimacy?
We’ve all heard of physical intimacy, but it’s important to remember that it’s only one part of being close to someone. Emotional intimacy includes sharing your feelings, caring about your partner's needs and desires, actively listening, really knowing your partner inside and out, and taking interest in your partner's hobbies or passions.
Determining what the other person’s idea of emotional intimacy is will show you how they give and receive love.
- How do you like to spend your free time? Or what would your perfect life be like?
These questions will help you determine the type of lifestyle this person has. It’s important to understand how they live their life to ensure that it aligns with how you live yours.
For example, if you’re active and enjoy being outdoors on the weekends, you likely won’t be a good match with someone who enjoys spending their time watching movies and chilling. Having opposite lifestyles can cause conflict and add stress.
You don’t have to be exactly the same — it’s important to have your own hobbies and passions — but you do need to have a balance between shared lifestyle and alone time.
- What are the lessons you’ve learned in past relationships that have helped you grow?
Self-growth is important and one of the best opportunities for growth is during the healing phase after a relationship ends. If we don’t take the time to learn, grow, and heal, then we are doomed to repeat our past experiences over and over again.
Being able to identify moments of growth shows signs of emotional maturity, as well as a desire to do better and become better.
- What does being unfaithful mean to you?
This is an important question that will tell you a lot about a person’s character. Cheating doesn't always mean having sex with someone who isn't your partner. There are other actions that some people consider forms of infidelity, so it’s good to see if your views are the same.
Some examples of non-sexual cheating:
- Not disclosing that you’re in a relationship and pretending you’re single (people often do this for the ego boost and the feeling of “I’ve still got it”)
- Feeling the need to hide your phone or leave the room while texting (it feels like a secret or that your partner wouldn’t like it)
- Flirting (there are varying degrees of flirting so it’s good to determine what you’re both comfortable with)
- DM-ing someone your attracted to on social media
- Confiding in someone but not your partner
- What are some things about you that you take pride in?
This is a great question to uncover things that are deep and meaningful to them. It gives you a look into their life and what they feel proud of or what they’ve accomplished. It could be their passions, their life’s mission, their hobbies, or their heart. This is a great question to start a deep conversation and it would be concerning if the other person doesn’t have much to say.
- What does your ideal relationship look like?
This will give you a peek into what they want. If they are interested in a committed relationship, they will have thought a lot about what they’re looking for. Someone who just wants to hook up might beat around the bush or only have surface level things to say.
It will also show you what they want so you can compare it to what you want to make sure that your relationship goals align.
A good match will be someone who is aligned in timing, values, lifestyle and relationship goals. Asking the above questions will help you determine if they are the right fit.